At the beginning of most practices, you set an intention. That intention may be to gain motivation, refresh your soul, untangle some chords in your brain, calm your nerves, send energy to somewhere, etc. When I began my practice tonight, my intention was to gain some peace of mind. With graduation in just two months, I’m freakin’ out. I’m working on applications to jobs all over the US, and I may have to leave Pittsburgh just when, for the first time in my life, I feel like I belong somewhere. Am I a failure if I stay here? Will I succeed if I go? What if no one wants to hire me? What if I can’t financially support myself? Where is my life going to go? They haunt me, these questions. They haunt my thoughts while I’m awake and my subconscious during sleep. So I walked in tonight with the intention to leave with some peace of mind from all of the insecurities and confusion going on inside me.
After a really great practice, my teacher, Rachael, read from Judith Lasater during savasana:
“The greatest discipline is surrender. So often we confuse ambition with discipline; we think that pushing ourselves to do more proves that we are disciplined. When you practice yoga today or any day, focus instead on how much clarity and discipline is required to let go. Let go of your expectations, let go of what may no longer be possible, let go of your resistance.”
… And then I started crying.
I realized many things at that moment. There are things I can’t control in my life, so why am I trying? I have always said that wherever my life takes me, I’ll go. Why am I freaking out about it now when that moment is upon me? I have been preparing for this moment for the past four years of my life. I’m ready. I’ve always been such a planner, a control freak. But I need to let go. I need to keep doing what I’m doing and let my life pan out the way it’s supposed to. I need to tell myself, “breathe, Camelia. You’re ready.” I need to surrender.
Rachael concluded our practice tonight by saying, “As you take the next few moments to just breathe, imagine what it would feel like if you surrender more often in your life.”
I left with peace of mind.
Namaste. May you all surrender a little more in your lives this week, and always.